The Old Rugged Cross

During this week's Successful Life Mindset 29, Tracy Trost and Cliff discussed trigger thoughts. I think most that were listening to the livecast could relate. I'd like to share one of the trigger thoughts I have. This is not really relevant to the business side as Cliff was discussing but from a personal side. 

For the last 45 years my mother has been the choir director and organist for Maplewood Baptist Church in Malden, MA. During my growing up years the church was a very large part of my and my whole family's life. It was great community. My grandmother who I was especially close to sang in the choir. During the interlude the choir would come down from the loft and shuffle into the pews among the congregation. I'd move up and sit with my grandmother and during the rest of the service we would sing the hymns with great gusto I often mimicking her and trying to hit the high notes in a falsetto voice.We'd have a good laugh or two. One of our most favorite hymns to sing together was the Old Rugged Cross.

During my young teen years I did some really dumb stuff and on two occasions involved my grandmother. First occasion was when I stole $5 from her bureau to buy a really super duper cap gun. Then lied about how I got the money, then finally confessed. I don't think our relationship was ever the same. The trust was gone. The second was starting a fire by lighting firecrackers behind my house on a dry summer day that almost burned my house and my neighbor's house. She was the first to get to the house since my mom was a single parent and worked 14 hours a day. The firefighters were able to rather quickly put out the fire. My grandmother made me apologize to every neighbor and it was the maddest I've ever seen her. 

Through the remainder of her years (she passed 2002) it was my job, my duty to make her laugh because of the heartache I had caused to somehow make up for the wrongs that I had caused her. Hoping to get what we had when I was younger.

At her funeral, which was at Maplewood Baptist, with all my extended family there, the hymn selected was The Old Rugged Cross - and I just lost it - I started bawling my eyes out - couldn't even stand let alone sing. The guilt, the loss that I felt was just overwhelming.

From 1999 until this year I had lived in Staten Island NY. I recently moved back to one town over from where I grew up. About 75 feet from our house, is a church that rings it bells at 12 noon and at 6 pm daily. At the 6 pm bell ringing the church plays a hymn in bell form and more often than not it is The Old Rugged Cross. And of course I feel the guilt and the loss. 

The next time it plays I will take Tracy's advice and say out loud "It is forgiven."

Thank you Tracy for sharing your insights.